Dour Times

While the War's Away:

2006-05-01T11:22:00.000-04:00

President Pronounces Broad

Ideological Shift

in War Effort,

Speech Therapists Rejoice

–

Softer, Snugglier Commander-in-Chief to Pummel
Disapproval Ratings with New Policy

Washington, D.C. – According to the President today upon waking, anti-terrorism is a flawed system in need of significant overhauls. This revelation comes as the Commander in Chief’s public approval ratings dip to record lows.

“We can’t go around being all anti-this and anti-that and hope to succeed,” he explained to a groggy public, his eyes alight with a rare and sudden gleam of understanding. “What these troops need is something more positive, something more bordering on goodness. So here’s my thinking: No one never got nowhere being not against nothing. And terrorism is not nothing, I assure you. Terrorism is not nothing for certain!” The President then issued a 26-minute pause.

“From now on, no good and honest American should rightfully be called an anti-terrorist. No sir. That’s not us. What we are, today and forever after, is a proud pack of pro-torturist peoples. Pure, parading pro-torturists pressing patiently progress-ward! Now doesn’t that sound better?”

“Let’s face it,” the President continued, “What this nation demands is something radical and extreme and perfectly in line with my conservative value system...and because ‘torturism’ is neither a word nor explicitly condemned by statutes of law, it’s A-OK in my mind...and by ‘my mind’ I mean the United States Constitution. Or vice versa.”

The President concluded his announcement with the assertion that he is the ideal candidate to coordinate this change, as he has been “a pro torturist for years and years, primarily behind the backs of everyone.” Democracy could not be reached for comment. - DT

Special Advertising Section

2006-02-09T13:13:00.000-05:00

Philip Morris Introduces New

Weight Loss Marvel

– A Hit With Teens, Truckers, Lonely Housewives –

Inspired by a growing food-and-body-manipulation craze, and hot on the heels of such popular diets as “Atkins” and “South Beach,” Philip Morris has debuted what it hopes will be embraced as the newest dieting sensation. Tossing its gambit into a bloated pool of weight loss regimens, the tobacco giant aims to stomp out rivals like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig with its newly dubbed “Nicotrim Diet.”

“There’s absolutely no eating involved,” said PM spokesperson Steve Long in a national press conference this week. He compared the program to a series of breathing exercises. “It’s so easy, a child could do it – under the bleachers, out in the woods, or locked in a bathroom between classes.”

“But,” Long added, “it doesn’t stop there. We’ve specially designed this program to meet the specific needs of the entire family. Imagine Dad losing weight while he sits downing cheese puffs in front of the big game, or Mom shedding pounds while she paces nervously in the other room. This will change the way we live.”

Already, says one Philip Morris executive memo, the masses have shown encouraging signs of allegiance to the program. In preliminary studies, teenagers across the nation hail the diet as “cool” and “sexy,” often disclosing they were “hooked from the very start.” Philip Morris anticipates that many who begin as recreational dieters will find the program so effective they become ardent dieters for life. “This is our perceived goal,” says PM Director of Operations Clive Milton, “to release a diet so seductive and compelling that there’s really no turning back.” He says initial sales of Nicotrim Diet kits – available in packs and “maximum strength” cartons – are promising. “But really,” he continued, “it’s not about this corporation and what we gain. It’s about the people and what they lose.”

P.S. from PM

Philip Morris cautions, however, that the Nicotrim Diet is not for everyone. In tandem with its colossal advertising campaign, the company has released a smattering of late-night TV commercials warning consumers about the potential risks of Nicotrim dieting. Additional information can be found buried in the “Responsible Marketing” section of its website, which is currently under construction.

Flails from the Crypt:

2005-11-30T14:24:00.000-05:00

-- One year later, Dour Times unearths the news “they” didn’t want you to see. --

- Post-Election Day Issue - Wednesday, November 3, 2004 -

‘AMERICA IS STU-

PID’

PRESIDENT ADDRESSES
NATION
OF HARD WORKERS
–
“They’re digging their own graves,”
Prez boasts
–
First lady stands rigidly by her man

“FOUR MORE YEARS” – President Bush delivered his victory speech today at the Ronald Reagan Building in Washington, D.C. In his address, the President appealed to all Americans, predicting the nation’s disenchanted non-Christians “will soon believe in the Anti-Christ.”

Washington, D.C. – George W. Bush stepped to the podium as returning President today, raising his hand in a victory “V” which no living person mistook for a peace sign. “Four more years,” he beamed, quickly lifting another three fingers.

Thanking a vast audience of supporters, the President broadcast his hopes for the coming term. “By giving me your confidence and voting to stay the course, you, the American people, have opened up a doorway into hell. I fully intend to use it.” The audience bled savagely and cheered.

“More importantly,” the President continued, adopting a sober look, “I want to send a message to those who opposed my re-election.” The audience hushed. “I say to you, this is a time for unity, not division. For healing, not bi-partisan bickery. Join me and you will live.” A fresh wave of applause erupted from the crowd. Bush’s wife, Laura, took her third breath of the day.

Later in his speech, the President proposed a series of alternatives to controversial “equal rights” policies besieging his personal interests. “People call me a close-minded bigot,” the President balked, amid boos from the audience, “but I have many ideas.” His first among them was “a simple bleaching process, by way of which we will eradicate all racial barriers and thrive as a color-free people.” The other: “no gayness.”

To prepare for the sustained conservative agenda, several area Democrats have undergone emergency lobotomies. Citizens too jobless to afford the procedure are advised to “shut up,” “try harder,” and/or bludgeon themselves with a cross. – Continued on p. 2

President’s Character Assassinated,
Body Lives On

“Mission Accomplished,” says Bush

Washington, D.C. – Following one of the longest, costliest, and most divisive campaigns in U.S. history, the President’s administration reported “no considerable losses” to their unit. This announcement comes just days after nation-wide concern over the President’s reputation escalated from “Extreme” to “Unbefuckinglievable.” It had long been considered at risk.

In a videotape released last week, arch-terrorist Osama Bin Laden repeated his intention to “relax, sit back, and chill” from the plush, tranquil comfort of his unoccupied desert oasis. Addressing the American people, he said, “The President’s credibility is not in your hands, it’s not in my hands, it’s not anywhere.”

In the meantime, erstwhile Democratic challenger John Kerry accused Republicans of “doing nothing” to defend the President’s reputation. “Over 90% of his reputation goes unchecked,” he claimed, loudly stomping his wooden foot.

In the end, witnesses say, Bush’s reputation destroyed itself.

This account has been confirmed by various Republican officials, who cite “alienation” and “fear-mongering” as principal reasons for the pre-emptive self-attack. “Our best people tried for several seconds to revive the character of our President,” Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said in a press release earlier today. “It passed quickly and without pain.”

Republican Party members, unshaken by the minor loss, look instead toward the Middle East. “As long as we have his body, we can still pull the strings,” they announced, holding the President by his neck hair.

Even beleaguered Democrats are casting a hopeful eye on the news. “Without his character, the President is half the man he used to be,” said ousted former Senate minority leader Tom Daschle. “That means we’re halfway there.” – DT

Red Sox Say Curse Reborn

Boston – Boston Red Sox manager Terry Francona, eclipsing his team’s first championship victory after 86 winless years, announced today that a “healthy, 190 lb. curse” has just been brought to term.

Sitting before an assembled mass of fans and bystanders, Francona offered little optimism for the coming months. “We had considered the Curse reversed,” Francona spat, nodding gravely, “but our estimations were premature.”

“This Curse is bigger than ever,” he added. “Bigger than Boston, bigger than Red Sox nation. We expect it to spread throughout Iraq and as far as South Korea by the season’s end.”

Sox’ First Line of Defense Powerless

Pedro Martinez, the late Red Sox’ embattled starter, today declared the curse “unbeatable.”

“I can’t find a way to win against this thing,” he sighed. “You can call the Curse my daddy.”

The New York Yankees, rejecting paternity of Martinez, also dismissed his newest claim. Yankees manager Joe Torre commented, “Look, we’re not his daddy, you’re not his daddy, no one’s his daddy. Leave the bastard alone.”

Meanwhile, injured Sox ace pitcher Curt Schilling, rather than face the curse down, limped to embrace it. – DT

_________________________________

Notable Deaths

Nature, mother of billions, died today. Experts scratch heads over where to bury her. For more deaths, see pp. 6-338

_________________________________

In The World

Doomed Nation Selects Tyrant to Lead It

–
“He insisted he’s the only man for the job,” shrugs voter
–

In disturbing global news, an unidentified country discretely handed leadership to a madman this week, as U.S. citizens sat distracted by dark, mounting storm clouds and the persistent scream of sirens. Word of this news now has many in an uproar.

“In this day and age,” offered Peter Ramino, 42, of Dayton, Ohio, “you think people would stop letting this kind of thing happen. It’s ludicrous. I mean really unfathomable. Which is why I voted for Bush. He will obliterate that tyrant, and the tyrant’s wife and kids, God help him.” – DT

_________________________________

News In Brief

A shortage of vaccinations means millions of citizens most affected by curse remain unprotected – Rising cost of health care limits treatment to President and his cabinet. Bush urges public to “not get vaccinated.” – See p. 3

Scientists say new strain of curse fueled by oil, greed, bloodshed – See p. 4

World green with envy, sickness – See p. 5