While the War's Away:

President Pronounces Broad

Ideological Shift

in War Effort,

Speech Therapists Rejoice

–

Softer, Snugglier Commander-in-Chief to Pummel
Disapproval Ratings with New Policy

Washington, D.C. – According to the President today upon waking, anti-terrorism is a flawed system in need of significant overhauls. This revelation comes as the Commander in Chief’s public approval ratings dip to record lows.

“We can’t go around being all anti-this and anti-that and hope to succeed,” he explained to a groggy public, his eyes alight with a rare and sudden gleam of understanding. “What these troops need is something more positive, something more bordering on goodness. So here’s my thinking: No one never got nowhere being not against nothing. And terrorism is not nothing, I assure you. Terrorism is not nothing for certain!” The President then issued a 26-minute pause.

“From now on, no good and honest American should rightfully be called an anti-terrorist. No sir. That’s not us. What we are, today and forever after, is a proud pack of pro-torturist peoples. Pure, parading pro-torturists pressing patiently progress-ward! Now doesn’t that sound better?”

“Let’s face it,” the President continued, “What this nation demands is something radical and extreme and perfectly in line with my conservative value system...and because ‘torturism’ is neither a word nor explicitly condemned by statutes of law, it’s A-OK in my mind...and by ‘my mind’ I mean the United States Constitution. Or vice versa.”

The President concluded his announcement with the assertion that he is the ideal candidate to coordinate this change, as he has been “a pro torturist for years and years, primarily behind the backs of everyone.” Democracy could not be reached for comment. - DT